Troll Loses Bridge to City Infrastructure Project, Forced to Learn New Skills

“I guarded that bridge for 400 years. Then the city council showed up with permits.”

Grunk the Terrible (age 423, occupation: bridge troll) has been displaced from his ancestral home after the city demolished his bridge to build a modern overpass. He’s now seeking employment in what he calls “the most terrifying challenge I’ve ever faced: a job interview.”

The Eviction

For four centuries, Grunk lived under the Stone Creek Bridge, demanding tolls from travelers and occasionally eating goats. It was simple. It was honest work.

Then came the letter.

NOTICE OF EMINENT DOMAIN

Dear Property Resident,

The City of Millbrook will be demolishing the Stone Creek Bridge
as part of our infrastructure modernization project.

You have 30 days to vacate the premises.

Relocation assistance available.

Sincerely,
Department of Public Works

“I thought it was a joke,” Grunk explains, holding the letter with his massive clawed hand. “I’m a TROLL. I don’t get eviction notices. I eat the people who try to evict me.”

“Turns out, eating city officials is ‘illegal’ and ‘a felony.’”

— Grunk, Learning Modern Laws

The Demolition Day

6:00 AM - Construction crew arrives 6:15 AM - Grunk emerges, roaring threats 6:16 AM - Foreman shows him the permit 6:20 AM - Grunk reads permit, confused by legal jargon 6:30 AM - Lawyer explains eminent domain 6:45 AM - Grunk argues “400-year squatter’s rights” 7:00 AM - Lawyer explains that’s not a thing 7:30 AM - Grunk accepts $12,000 relocation payment 8:00 AM - Bridge demolished while Grunk watches, crying

Lost in demolition:

400-year-old bridge (historic landmark, nobody cared)
Grunk’s rock collection
47 goat skeletons (evidence, according to police)
Toll booth sign: “PAY TOLL OR FACE WRATH”
Grunk’s sense of purpose

The Job Search

With his bridge gone, Grunk needed employment.

Previous Experience:

Bridge Guardian (400 years)
Toll Collector (self-employed)
Intimidation Specialist (freelance)
Goat Quality Control (occasional)

Skills:

Roaring menacingly
Bridge structural assessment
Collection of fees under threat
Living under bridges
Basic riddle-asking

Education:

None (trolls don’t have schools)

The Resume

GRUNK THE TERRIBLE Experienced Professional Seeking New Opportunities

WORK HISTORY:

Bridge Troll | Stone Creek Bridge | 1624-2025

Managed toll collection for 400+ years
Maintained 100% payment compliance rate
Excellent conflict resolution (eat those who don’t pay)
Perfect attendance record
Handled customer complaints (by eating customers)

SKILLS:

Intimidation
Basic arithmetic (counting coins)
Multilingual (can roar in 6 languages)
Physical security
Sustainable diet (mostly goats)

REFERENCES: None (I ate them all)

The Interview Process

Interview #1: Retail Store

Hiring Manager: “Tell me about yourself.”

Grunk: “I am Grunk. I guard bridges and eat goats.”

Manager: ”…Okay. What’s your greatest weakness?”

Grunk: “Sunlight turns me to stone.”

Manager: “That’s… concerning. We need someone for daytime shifts.”

Grunk: “I can work nights.”

Manager: “This is a daytime-only position.”

Grunk: “Then I will crumble into stone and die.”

Manager: “That’s definitely a conflict. We’ll be in touch.”

Status: Did not get the job

Interview #2: Security Guard

Interviewer: “You have… interesting experience. Bridge security?”

Grunk: “Yes. Nobody crossed without paying.”

Interviewer: “How did you enforce payment?”

Grunk: “Threats. Sometimes eating.”

Interviewer: “Eating…?”

Grunk: “The non-payers.”

Interviewer: “You ate people who didn’t pay the toll.”

Grunk: “Is that bad?”

Interviewer: ”…We’ll call you.”

Status: Did not get the job (also possibly reported to authorities)

Interview #3: Bridge Construction Worker

Foreman: “So you know bridges?”

Grunk: “I lived under one for 400 years. I know every stone.”

Foreman: “Ever build one?”

Grunk: “No. Just lived under and guarded.”

Foreman: “Can you operate heavy machinery?”

Grunk: “What is ‘machinery’?”

Foreman: “Do you have a high school diploma?”

Grunk: “What is ‘high school’?”

Foreman: “Thanks for coming in.”

Status: Did not get the job

The Gig Economy

Desperate, Grunk tried freelance work:

TaskRabbit - “Help Moving”

Client: “I need help moving a couch to my apartment.”

Grunk: “I will carry your couch.”

[Grunk arrives]

Client: “You’re… very large.”

Grunk: “I am troll. Trolls are large.”

Client: “Can you fit through the door?”

Grunk: [Tries to enter apartment, gets stuck]

Client: “Maybe just… leave the couch outside?”

Grunk: [Carries couch up 5 flights of stairs, breaks through wall]

Client: “THAT’S NOT THE DOOR!”

Review: ⭐ “Strong but caused $3,000 in property damage”

Uber Driver

Application Status: Denied

Reason: “Applicant cannot fit in driver’s seat of standard vehicle”

Grunk’s Appeal: “I can drive truck!”

Uber’s Response: “Do you have a license?”

Grunk’s Response: “What is license?”

Status: Permanently rejected

Riddle Writer for Escape Rooms

Employer: “You said you’re good at riddles?”

Grunk: “Yes. I ask riddles to travelers.”

Employer: “Great! Can you write some?”

Grunk: “I only know one riddle.”

Employer: “What is it?”

Grunk: “What has four legs, goes ‘baaaa,’ and crosses bridge?”

Employer: “A sheep?”

Grunk: “No. Lunch.”

Employer: “That’s not a riddle. That’s just you eating sheep.”

Grunk: “Travelers never got it right either.”

Status: Did not get the job

The Retraining Program

The city, feeling slightly guilty, enrolled Grunk in a workforce development program.

Week 1: Computer Skills

Instructor: “This is a mouse.”

Grunk: “Too small to eat.”

Instructor: “No, you click it to move the cursor—”

Grunk: [Crushes mouse with massive hand]

Instructor: “That’s the third mouse this week.”

Grunk: “They are poorly made.”

Week 2: Customer Service

Instructor: “When a customer is upset, you should listen empathetically.”

Grunk: “When travelers were upset, I roared until they paid.”

Instructor: “That’s… not going to work in retail.”

Grunk: “But it is efficient.”

Instructor: “It’s also assault.”

Grunk: [Takes notes] “No… roaring… at… customers…”

Week 3: Resume Building

Instructor: “Let’s rephrase your experience. Instead of ‘ate non-payers,’ we’ll say ‘enforced payment policies.’”

Grunk: “But I DID eat them.”

Instructor: “Yes, but we’re emphasizing the POLICY ENFORCEMENT part.”

Grunk: “This feels dishonest.”

Instructor: “Welcome to job hunting.”

The Breakthrough

After 47 rejections, Grunk finally found a position: Parking Enforcement Officer

Why it worked:

No sunlight requirement (works any shift)
Intimidation is actually useful
Collecting payments (his specialty)
People hate parking enforcement anyway

Interview:

City HR: “Can you issue tickets to people who don’t pay?”

Grunk: “YES. This is my purpose.”

HR: “Great! Just to be clear: no eating the violators.”

Grunk: “Not even a little nibble?”

HR: “Not even a little.”

Grunk: [Sighs] “Fine.”

First Week on the Job

Day 1:

7:00 AM - Grunk reports for duty 7:05 AM - Given uniform (XXXL, still too small) 7:30 AM - First ticket issued 7:35 AM - Driver argues about ticket 7:36 AM - Grunk roars 7:37 AM - Driver pays immediately and apologizes 8:00 AM - Issued 23 tickets (record for first hour)

Supervisor’s Note: “Intimidation tactics effective but probably not legal?”

Day 3:

Incident Report: “Officer Grunk discovered someone feeding an expired meter. Instead of issuing ticket, he demanded ‘tribute.’ Confused citizen paid $5. Grunk ate the coins. We’ve had a discussion about proper procedure.”

Day 5:

Commendation: “Officer Grunk has issued more tickets in one week than our top performer issues in a month. However, multiple complaints about him referring to parking fees as ‘troll toll.’ Will address in training.”

The Adjustment Period

Challenges:

Technology:

Can’t use ticket printer (hands too large, keeps breaking it)
Solution: Handwrites tickets in ancient runes
City accepts this after drivers stopped arguing with indecipherable citations

Communication:

Roars instead of saying “parking violation”
Terrifies senior citizens
Supervisor taught him to say “good morning” instead of “GRAAAGH”
Still working on it

Uniforms:

No standard size fits
Wears traffic cone as hat
Somehow it works

Successes:

Compliance Rate: 99.8% (highest in city history) Revenue: Up 340% in his district Violence: Down (people too scared to argue)

The Reviews

Yelp Reviews of Downtown Parking:

⭐ “There’s a literal troll giving out parking tickets now. What is this city coming to?”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “I actually paid for parking for the first time ever. That troll is terrifying. Budget saved!”

⭐⭐ “He roared at me for parking in a loading zone. I cried. But also, I was illegally parked, so fair.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Grunk gave my kid a high-five. His hand is the size of my child. It was adorable and terrifying.”

Six Months Later

Performance Review:

Strengths:

Highest ticket issuance rate
Zero fights with violators (they’re too scared)
Excellent territory coverage
Never late to work

Areas for Improvement:

Stop referring to yourself as “Grunk the Terrible”
Don’t tell people you’ll “eat their car”
The cone hat is not regulation
Please stop asking if you can keep the parking meters

Overall: 4.5/5 - “Exceptional performance despite unconventional methods”

Grunk’s Response: “This is better than bridge. More coins. Also, nobody tries to kill me.”

The New Normal

Grunk now lives in a small apartment (ground floor, reinforced floor joists) and works 40 hours a week as a parking enforcement officer.

Weekly Earnings: $680 (before tax) Compared to bridge toll income: About the same Difference: “Coins now come with less screaming”

Life Updates:

Joined a union
Has health insurance (surprisingly good dental)
Learning to use smartphone (broke 6 so far)
Making friends with other parking officers
Still eats goats (from a local farm, legally purchased)

The Stone Creek Bridge is now a modern overpass with LED lighting. Grunk issues parking tickets Monday-Friday, 7 AM - 3 PM. His former bridge spot is now a Starbucks.

“Progress,” Grunk says, without enthusiasm.

This reporter interviewed Grunk during his lunch break. He was eating a gyro. When asked if he missed eating goats, he said “gyros are close enough.” Four stars for adapting to modern employment.