Predator & Alien Open Galaxy's First Intergalactic Grocery Store
Two unlikely business partners bring fresh produce and existential dread to your neighborhood shopping experience
Breaking News: Predator & Alien Open Galaxy’s First Intergalactic Grocery Store
In what can only be described as the most terrifying business partnership since sharks and tornadoes, a Predator and a Xenomorph have announced the grand opening of “Hunt & Gather Groceries” - your one-stop shop for all things organic, locally sourced, and absolutely horrifying.
The Origin Story
The partnership began when both creatures independently applied for the same small business loan. After a brief altercation in the bank’s parking lot (which resulted in 3 demolished cars and 1 very confused loan officer), they decided collaboration made more financial sense than competition.
“Click click growl hiss,” explained the Xenomorph partner, whose nametag reads “Steve.”
The Predator, going by “Chad” for business purposes, added several intimidating clicking sounds which their translator interpreted as: “We saw a gap in the market for terror-free grocery shopping with mandatory thermal scanning at checkout.”
Store Features
Produce Section
- All vegetables are “hunted” at peak freshness
- Xenomorph acid blood used for all-natural pest control
- Thermal vision ensures no rotten produce escapes detection
- The lettuce section has actual camouflage netting (Chad insisted)
Meat Department
The less said about this, the better. Let’s just say they take “fresh cut” very literally.
Checkout Experience
- Self-checkout monitored by shoulder-mounted plasma cannons
- Bag your own groceries (mandatory - they’re watching)
- Loyalty program: Survive 10 shopping trips, get a free tote bag
- Express lane for 15 items or fewer (enforced by fear)
Customer Reviews
Martha K. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “I’ve never felt more motivated to use my reusable bags. The plasma cannon really drives home the environmental message.”
Bob T. ⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Great prices! Only lost one star because Steve keeps nesting in the ceiling tiles above aisle 7. Makes shopping for cereal a bit stressful.”
Karen M. ⭐⭐ “Asked to speak to the manager. I am now listed as a trophy. Two stars because the organic kale selection is impressive.”
Business Hours
Monday - Saturday: Dawn until Dusk (whenever Chad decides it’s hunting time) Sunday: Closed (Xenomorphs need their rest, and Chad has a rec league situation)
Coming Soon
The duo announced plans to expand into:
- A deli counter (specializing in “exotic” meats)
- Sushi bar (Steve will be personally preparing each roll)
- In-store pharmacy (because apparently terror gives you heartburn)
The Bottom Line
Is “Hunt & Gather Groceries” a revolutionary new shopping experience or humanity’s most regrettable business venture? Yes.
Visit them at 1337 Survival Boulevard - right between the closed police station and the abandoned military base. Free parking (those who don’t park properly are never heard from again).
Remember: Shop smart. Shop scared. Shop at Hunt & Gather.
This post is sponsored by absolutely no one. Everyone we approached for sponsorship fled the solar system.