Yeti Hired as Ski Instructor, Guests Describe Experience as ‘Chilling’

Luxury ski resort Aspen Peaks has hired what they describe as “the most qualified mountain professional in history” — a 9-foot-tall yeti who goes by “Gary.”

Unmatched Qualifications

Gary’s resume, submitted on what appeared to be a piece of frozen bark, listed the following credentials:

• 200,000+ years of alpine experience
• Native fluency in avalanche prediction
• Built-in snowshoes (feet)
• Can carry up to six fallen skiers simultaneously
• Has never once needed a ski lift

“His interview was unconventional,” admitted the resort’s HR director. “He just walked straight up a black diamond slope barefoot and roared at the summit. We hired him on the spot.”

Teaching Style

Gary’s instruction method has been described as “minimalist but effective”:

1. Point at mountain
2. Growl encouragingly
3. Ski down at 60 mph
4. Wait at the bottom looking disappointed
5. Repeat

“I’ve never learned faster,” said one student. “There’s something incredibly motivating about a giant snow creature sighing at your snowplow technique.”

Guest Reviews

• “Gary doesn’t speak English but his disappointed head shake taught me more than 10 years of lessons” - ★★★★★
• “He ate my granola bar without asking. Otherwise a transformative experience” - ★★★★☆
• “I told him I was cold. He just stared at me. I stopped being cold” - ★★★★★
• “Best instructor ever. Smells like a wet cave but in a comforting way” - ★★★★★

Controversy

The Professional Ski Instructors of America have questioned Gary’s certification status. Gary responded by completing a double black diamond run backward while carrying a full-size Christmas tree, which was not technically a rebuttal but did end the conversation.

He is currently negotiating for a larger locker, as the standard employee locker “cannot accommodate an abominable amount of fur.”